Mother Tongue by Demetria Martinez

Author:Demetria Martinez [Martinez, Demetria]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-307-53861-1
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2012-03-21T04:00:00+00:00

September 1982

1. Boil lavender in water and steam face (lavender to harmonize body and soul)

2. Make a list of job-hunting tasks

3. Do a 20-minute ONG NAMO GURU DEV NAMO meditation

4. Go visit the sick or elderly or join a cause

5. Get out of yourself.

He hasn’t called, so I’m making a list. I’m making a list so I won’t fall apart. I won’t fall apart if I follow through on the list. If I follow through, I’ll forget about him and therefore set up the karmic conditions that will allow him to call.

Now I remember why, in junior high, I used to write letters to myself (“Dear Mary”) when I was feeling really good. I sealed them away in envelopes and opened them whenever I sank into sadness and paralysis. They always included pep talks, reminders of fun times, and to-do lists. I always said to myself, “I promise this won’t last forever” and I signed them, “the real you.”

Now, as I write this, I can’t remember the real me. It’s terrifying, that you can love someone so much that you lose your own self in the uproar. I can’t remember the me who loves September, who loves to walk or read. It’s incredible outside. I can hear the hooves of horses pulling carriages around the plaza, San Rafael’s bells, the daily “shoot-out” for the tourists in front of Wild West Saloon. I know in my mind that I would feel better if I got out. But my body can’t follow through.

At times like this I wish I had hobbies or political causes. My mother used to tell me, “develop your inner resources.” I should have listened. That’s how she survived Dad’s leaving her. That’s how she survived her death. She read bestsellers, she went on retreats at the Franciscan House, she recorded Soledad’s memories of coming up from Mexico, she even took up folk dancing and said, without any bitterness, that if she’d taken it up earlier she wouldn’t have gotten cancer, but at least she knows this for the next life. Thank God I’ve at least got this notebook. As long as I can keep moving my hand across the page I know I won’t die of depression.

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